10:48 a.m. - May 12, 2010
Breakfast with Buddy
MMMM�breakfast anyone?
Kayso, I don�t have any appetite for breakfast on an average day, but after this morning�s CATastrophe I doubt I�ll ever eat again. I had just tasted my coffee and burned a couple of pieces of toast for the children when I noticed the cat dragging his ass along the carpet. You know the drag�ass dug into the ground, back legs up�front legs scrabbling for purchase. With horror I realized that yet again he had failed to neatly cap off his turd and thus had a shit dreadlock hanging from his sumptious ass hair. Failing to get it scraped off on the first try, he continued to the next rug�.I sprung into action, heaving myself across the room I snagged him by the scruff of the neck and quarantined him in the laundry room. Bedecked in rubber gloves and facemask, with bucket and rag in hand I went to work on said shit dreadlock.
Did I get it all? Yeah, I think I did�I was actually shaking with nausea. I released him and proceeded to the sink to flay my skin off with a wire brush and some bleach when�what�s that? Shit streaks on the hard wood? And�Can anyone else still smell catshit? Have the shit molecules taken up permanent residency in my sinuses? Time for a shakedown of the house in search of the cat. I found him happily tongue bathing his 3 inch long ass hair. Dry heaving, I tucked him safely into the laundry room for another go.
Meanwhile the girls are blithely munching their toast and singing �Happy Birthday� to yet another of our cats, Walter. Walter has emotional problems�in retrospect he should have been named Howard due to his reclusive nature. You can imagine how pleased he was to have a tiny paper party hat crammed on his head and three children crowded around him singing insanely. I�m secretly pleased that someone else will be emotionally scarred by this morning�s activities. Satisfied that the girls are ok, and making it clear that in no uncertain terms should there be a candle for Walter to blow out on his birthday�I left to find Buddy the long haired cat. There was nothing left to do but shave his ass. I�m going solo on this mission so I figured the Flowbee wouldn�t be the best choice. I had to settle for the scissors. Grabbing him by the tail I succeeded in trimming his ass hair down to a tolerable 1 inch length.
I took an hour long shower and swabbed my sinuses with bleach. I can still smell it. I might have a shot of tequila to steel my nerves before an investigation of the rest of the house for more shit streaks. We might have to move.
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